Feeling Stuck

During summer I always tend to lose track of the day and date and time. Everything just feels like it blends together for three months, and then BAM, I have a week left until I start school again and all I can think is “thank god.”

Summer’s never been my thing.  It’s just a time to pass the time until I’m back in school where I feel the most productive and the most human because I’m learning and I have something I have to show up to five days a week.  I have to answer to someone.  I’m never good at making plans with people, and in San Diego I don’t really have many people to make plans with as it is, so every summer, if I’m not working or doing sports, I’m usually by myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to be by myself.  Growing up an only child, you learn quickly how to keep yourself entertained for hours.  I used to lock myself in my room and read my books for hours when I was five.  No joke.  So I do like to be alone.

This summer feels different than all the others, though.  This summer was unexpected.  All year I thought I was going to be in Chicago for the whole summer, in my first apartment with a job, living the life I lived all through my freshman year of college, only better.  Then circumstances changed throughout the course of the year.  Instead of staying the whole summer, I was going to come home for a month and a half and then go back in August.  Then the last couple weeks of school, circumstances changed again.

Now here I am.

It’s July 19th.  I’ve been home for a little over a month now, but it feels like I’ve been here forever.  Usually time passes quickly during the summers because time always blends together, but this summer it feels like it passes slower and slower with each day.

I’ve been home for over a month, and I still have a month and a couple weeks left until I return again.  HOW CAN THAT BE?????

I’ve been trying to make use of all the free time I’ve found myself having.  I’m going to school two days a week to get some GE credits out of the way.  I watch movies and a lot of Game of Thrones.  But mostly I just kind of sit around and wait for the time to pass.

My mom’s been saying that I should stop waiting for people and just get out and do things, but I just feel completely stuck here.  This is not where I’m supposed to be.  I wasn’t supposed to come back to San Diego for this much time for at least ten years.  It’s one of the most beautiful places in the country, but I can’t stand it. It just reminds me of high school and all the people I’ve lost and all the sadness and loneliness.

It’s been strange going from living on my own in Chicago, where there’s always something to do and always someone to do something with, to coming home to San Diego for three months and having zero people to do things with and nothing to do.  This is why I feel stuck.  I took a hundred steps forward, and now I’ve taken a thousand steps back.

I feel like I’m just sitting around waiting for the rest of my life to start.  I don’t want to sound like I’m ungrateful, or complain too much, but I promised to get honest with myself.  And this is the honest truth.

August 27th can’t possibly come fast enough.  I’ll have an apartment, my best friend will be my roommate, and I’ll be back with my friends in the city I love more than any place in the world.  That’s where I belong.  That’s where I need to be.  It’s just going to take a little longer to get there.

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2 thoughts on “Feeling Stuck

  1. I’m sorry you are feeling stuck. I feel the exact same way when I’m not in the city. I can’t wait to be there and it feels like it’ll be forever. Love your posts, on here and on Instagram 🙂

    Like

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